Adam’s Story

Here’s something a bit more lighthearted after my spooky Halloween stories. This is a very short story written for my writing group from the perspective of Adam explaining the expulsion from the Garden of Eden. I imagined him as a white van driving, wife-beater vest wearing type of man who is threatened by strong women. Lilith wasn’t mentioned in the Bible but is supposed to have been Adam’s first wife.

Adam’s Story

I just want to put the record straight since Lilith’s been mouthin’ off again. She never left me, I kicked ‘er out. I couldn’t bear the naggin’ and moanin’, givin’ it all that. She was a rubbish cook too. All we ever ate was bleedin’ apples.

And she said I weren’t no good in the sack! She’s ‘avin’ a laugh! She wouldn’t do it in the missionary position and kept askin’ if I needed a map to find ‘er, ahem, lady garden. Now she’s shacked up with the devil, givin’ birth to ‘orrible demon babies left, right and centre. Makes me skin crawl just thinkin’ about it.

Once Lilith ‘ad slung ‘er ‘ook I needed a bit of company, if you catch me drift, so I ‘ad a word in God’s shell-like and asked ‘im if ‘e could arrange a new bird for me. ‘Cept this one had to be meek and soft and do what I told ‘er as I’d ‘ad enough of them feminist types. So God took one of me ribs and made Eve, which freaked me right out I can tell ya.

Things started out alright with me and Eve, she did what I told ‘er and didn’t give me any lip. Then Eve, the dozy mare, was tempted by a serpent into eatin’ an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, ya know the one God said never to eat from. I just knew that was Lilith, doin’ a bit of shapeshiftin’, and as a result God chucked me and Eve out of Eden so Lilith got ‘er revenge in the end.

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